Incommensurability

How do you deal with incommensurability? I stumbled over this word because it named something I had been circling for years without being able to put it into language.

It means that two realities cannot be brought onto a common scale without at least one of them being distorted. And no, this is not a misunderstanding that could be talked through, not a communication problem, not a conflict waiting to be resolved. It is deeply human and more fundamental.

I have sat in rooms where everyone wanted a good outcome (though that depends on the perspective). And still we found no common ground. There was goodwill and there was solid data. But the underlying logic—what counts, what a win is, what we are even here for—was simply different. I was looking for the larger frame, for the multiple wins, for an integrating movement. Others pursued numbers and straightforward results. Both are legitimate. Both are real. And yet: incommensurable.

I experienced the same thing in a close relationship. Love and attraction were there. And yet: the survival patterns, the inner architectures, the way each person organizes their life conditioned one another in such a way that the resulting realities simply became irreconcilable. You can see someone clearly, respect them deeply, and still recognize that staying would mean one of the two giving up something essential. It is no one’s fault. But pretending that it isn’t so is, in turn, a form of violence of its own.

I believe this is one of the least discussed challenges in leadership and in life. We are trained to find the solution, to close the gap, to keep stakeholders on board. Perhaps the most honest and courageous thing is to recognize that these worlds cannot be translated into each other. And then not to keep optimizing, mediating, or rescuing, but to decide cleanly: step back, clarify roles, end expectations, set boundaries, or consciously make separate paths possible.